EPISODE 1011: 1999 - THE HORRORS OF SPIDER ISLAND (STARRING ALEX D'ARCY AND BARBARA VALENTINE - 1962)
This movie was far funnier than it was intended to be, I can attest to that for sure. The entire group of dancers cast for this romp were so incredibly stereotypical of their respective countries (ya know, sort of like a UN with Hee-Haw cast members) that it made my head hurt even considering how they tried to pull it off since each and every one was actually GERMAN! Yes, the film is German dubbed, ridiculously, in American. The lady played by Gerry Sammer as May was the resident American and given such an over-the-top Southern drawl meets East German accent that she'd switch cadence in one sentence! Good stuff.
So anyway, the movie is primarily the story of a talent company run by big, boxy beau, Gary, and his lady-servant/girl friend, Georgia. They hire ten ladies to be part of a dance troupe in Singapore but don't actually make it thanks to their plane going down over the Pacific. They all manage to wash up on the shore of SPIDER ISLAND (AHH!!!) and proceed to turn the tropical haven into a hedonistic sex romp... oh, and there might be a few spiders. Maybe. Smarty Gary (D'Arcy) heads out to see what HORRORS might be hanging around the SPIDER ISLAND thanks in part to the discovery of the 'Professor' dangling from a giant web. Well, as big dumb-ass leading men will do, Gary gets nipped by a GIANT SPIDER and, instantly, becomes one! AHH! Oh, and the transformation (later mocked perfectly by Mike) consists of a bit of hair on his face, one giant Fang Face fang, and some costume gloves from the studio's grab-bag. SCARY! Soon, the women, after 28 days of farting around on the island, finally get naked in a lagoon and swim around much to the over-enjoyment of Tom Servo who faints a few times. Eventually two more guys show up to see the professor's progress (evidently he found Uranium, which could answer the GIANT SPIDER issue, though nothing else was even damaged or affected) and hit on each and every one of the women promising them rescue and marriage. Gary-Spider comes round, the smart fellows figure out its natural fear of FIRE, and proceed to chase him into a conveniently placed quick sand bog. THE END! Ya know, now that I rewrite this nonsense, it really wasn't as bad as I thought!
CLASSIC LINES:
We see a long row of women waiting for their turn in Gary's talent agency:
Crow: "It's a dames and broads audition!"
Gary walks into the room full of women looking as 'shapely' as possible:
Mike: "I'm Guy Box-Body."
A Lady named Caroline just gets finished performing her dance:
Georgia: "Thank you. You dance wonderfully!"
Mike: "For a cow!"
After the plane crash we see the lifeboat full of everyone bobbing along:
Tom: "We've been in the lifeboat for an hour, would you stop chewing on my foot!"
The ladies and Gary are safely ashore on the island:
Georgia: "Oh Gary!"
Mike: "There, there... take comfort in my beefiness."
Gary, hanging around the island shirtless in his tight Chinos, turns his back to us:
Crow: "He has Torgo area..."
The panicking girls see an oceanliner passing by on the horizon:
Tom: "Uh, where should we spill this oil, Captain?"
Three of the women are out investigating a dead spider:
Tom: "The Dixie Chicks go big game hunting."
The two men (Bob and Joe) are chatting about the ladies:
Bob: "Having a good time with the chicks?"
Mike: "Ah, mine's from Minnesota."
Gary-Spider screaming as he rapidly drowns in the quick sand:
Mike: "Well, he found out too late that Cocoa Wheats can't be beat."
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