Friday, January 2, 2009
BLOOD AND SEX NIGHTMARE: TOO MUCH OF THE FORMER, AND TOO LITTLE OF THE LATTER
After reading about this film somewhere toward the back of Rue Morgue -you know, in those pages advertising titty-flicks and piercing sites- I thought to my ill-prepared self, "Download it, see how it is!". Well, I am not always as bright as I like to let on.
The movie is crookedly titled, BLOOD AND SEX NIGHTMARE, and, I suppose, if you squint just right, it makes sense. All in all, though, it's pretty lousy. Directed, Produced, and, hopefully apologized for, by Joseph R. Kolbek for Bloody Earth Films in 2007, BASN appears as though it could have been easily made for under a grand by some local high school drama club. The sound quality, first off, sounds as though it's loudly and without audio suspense hammering the viewer from all angles at once. There wasn't a subtle, 'what-was-that' moment in the whole hour-long ordeal. Storywise, I've seen stronger plot structures on an episode of American Idol. Basically:
Amy (Julia M. Morizawa) -a mildly attractive Oriental chick- and her wooden, Popsicle-stick boyfriend, Nick (Andy McGuinness) decide on a little get-a-way for 'adults' after she returns from her father's funeral. Oh, but wait, before any of the real story begins, we're treated to the swinging chest balloons of a tortured woman (Lily StClaire) who has very little to do with the rest of the story other than to be a cast add-on and naked. Okay. So, the least convincing couple of Nick and Amy head off to the retreat which, as it turns out, is nothing more than a bunch of CABINS in the WOODS near a LAKE featuring BLOOD and, to a lesser extent, SEX. Sound familiar? Yeah, this mess clearly, and poorly, rips off nearly every horror cliche ever committed to film. On a small aside, one of the cabins is being rented by a trio of sadomasochistic freaks reenacting a sit-com including incest, transvestites, and I don't know, roll playing maybe. Wackiest part of the movie hands down. As Amy and Nick arrive they are greeted by the one shining turd in this overflowing public toilet, the groundskeeper, Walter (Dan Petit). An old man who looks vaguely like Captain Kangaroo on a bender, who spouts not only the best lines ever, but also the damn filthiest. In fact, once the couple retires to their cabin, he quips: "They're gonna be dead soon, and then she's all mine..." and solicits himself with this zinger: "I got a 10 inch dick! No lie!" Yeah, he was cool. Was. As the train wreck progresses, we get to see several of the following things: far too much dick up to and including a choking with a severed member, ridiculous 'seen this a billion time before' killings, a dildo punishment, and, once Amy discovers that the killer is being reborn by the sexual energy surrounding the area, a -stop reading here if you've just eaten mayonnaise and ketchup- rather juicy shower consisting of, ahem, mayo and ketchup... if you dig. As I said, the ending where Amy, the VIRGIN, figures out that our killer, one Felix Gallo (Tom Thatcher) was sexually molested and driven to suicide by his mother in one of the cabins, comes as ZERO surprise. Yeah, since Amy is a VIRGIN -a VIRGIN being inundated with horrible nightmares (natch) I might add- Nick gets fed up and goes to the campground Bar (wha?) to pick up a chick and ends up doing the nastiest hoo-ha I have personally ever seen outside of a Hustler mag. Thank god, despite her full frontal, she gets whacked. So, Amy and Nick RUN through the WOODS to the LAKE that is, evidently, sacred (HA!) and, though they could just hang out, Nick gets this idea that Amy wants him to get killed thanks to his getting of some strange and leaves the sanctity of the lake thereby getting chainslaughtered (new word). Well, all ends relatively well once Amy discovers that a damn MIRROR in the room is a portal (NO!) and vaporizes Felix.
In a rather large, painful nutshell, that's it. Look, you can get better versions of every movie this crap fest steals from anywhere just please promise me you won't bother with this. It's a damn mess. In parts, literally what with its GALLONS of thin, watery BBQ sauce blood. Still, back away with the sign of the cross, I implore you.