Tuesday, April 1, 2008

DAY OF THE DEAD 2008: A Day To Be Forgotten

I've decided, for giggles and grins, that I'm going to write this as though I were talking to you, say, during work hours at a lunch break or something. Sounds good? OK, It's much like a call-and-response deal where I'll have my words written normally, but what YOU would say will be parenthetical citations, got it? OK, here we go:

Hey, guess what I watched last night? (I give up, what?) The new Day of the Dead movie. (Oh yeah? How was it?) All in all? It sucked. (No kidding? How come?) Well, first of all, Mena Suvari plays the lead roll... (Seriously? She's pretty hot!) Agreed, and she's actually pretty cool in the movie; totally different from most of her more well-known stuff like American Pie and American Beauty. (Was she like a bad-ass or something?) Oh, yeah, seriously bad-ass, and that really was cool. Her name was sarah and she was a commander in the military that was cordoning off this little town due to some kind of undisclosed outbreak of some kind. (Do you ever find out what's going on?) Oh yeah, but not till later. So she actually lives in the town with her brother and mom, who also happens to be sick... so you can see where this is heading. (Yeah. The mom probably pops up later and one of the kids sees her all messed up, right?) You got it. Anyway, Sarah and her brother, Trevor, take their sick mom to the local hospital -on Elm street, by the way- only to find most of the town their hacking and sneezing... pretty standard procedure for one of these stupid new-wave zombie movies. (Right! Some damn virus messing up some little back-water burg...) Exactly. No exception here, either: Cookie cutter as Hell! As it turns out it's the nose-bleed that sets off the mess, and all of a sudden -literally in unison- all of the sick start to warp into rabid, racing, jittery zombies that can -and this was particularly ridiculous- jump all over the damn place even worse than any other zombie movie I've seen! (HA! Seriously?) Yeah! The things were all over the place in a matter of seconds! (Wait! What happened in the beginning of the movie?) Pretty much nothing. A bunch of kids making out, including Trevor, and one of the girls decides to walk home... bada-bing: zombie food. (OK, go on.) So now the hospital is over run by wacked-out zombies, Sarah and two of her military buddies are running around trying to escape, and -oh yeah- Ving Rhames is back for about fifteen minutes until he, too, is turned into a feasting walking corpse. (No shit?) Yeah, kid of a throw-away roll, though, which kind of sucked since he was so cool and prominent in Dawn. (Yeah, I remember...) Anyway, they need some make-shift weapons to escape and get back to their Hummer and one of the guys -this was pretty cool- fashions a spear out of a bone saw taped to an IV stand and just goes nuts with it! About the best part in the whole movie! (HA! That's pretty sweet!) Yeah, so they all get out, meet the brother inside the building of a local radio station, wipe out a few hundred more zombies, conveniently discover that fire -and this is just about the dumbest thing of all- completely incinerates them! (What? Fire? What about shots and blows to the head like before?) Oh, yeah, they do it, too, so it's like basically anything can stop these things! Eventually they all -well, most- end up at some damn underground lab area only to discover that this whole mess was brought on by the military -of course- and that it was a biochemical neurosystem inhibitor designed to stop the enemy without actually killing them, and it 'got out'. (Good Lord.) Yeah, I know. So it goes on like this for a while with hackneyed quips and bullets and even a scene borrowed heavily from Shaun of the Dead or Fido where they keep one of the zombified soldiers around because he's -get this damn dumb-ass reason- a vegetarian and in love with Sarah. (HA HA!) Yeah, I laughed, too! Well, I won't spoil the end for you, though it was just as ridiculous and recycled as the rest of this mess... but all inall, it was crap over ice. (Too bad, it sounded so promising!) Really? (HA! Kidding!)
Well, there ya go. Not good. Just the same zombie crap different zombie channel.

1 comment:

Douglas A. Waltz said...

I tell you not to watch these things, but do you listen? NOOOOOOOO!